A Car's Life: Sparky's Big Adventure Review

Hello and welcome to Back to the Drawing Board. Where I take apart some of the most wretched things that animation has brought onto us. For my first review, I will be taking a look at a mostly unknown straight-to-DVD film. This is A Car's Life: Sparky's Big Adventure.
When you looked at the trailer, you were probably thinking, "This looks like a rip-off of Pixar's Cars." Well, that's because it is. Even the title rips off A Bug's Life. This movie hasn't even started yet and already it's creatively challenged. This movie has unlikable characters, unprofessional voice acting, soulless animation, unfunny jokes, and a boring story to top it all off. So let's see why this movie should have been impounded. This is A Car's Life.

Our film begins with the title just slapped on to a desert backdrop with a score that sounds like a fourth grader goofing around on his new recorder. Here, we meet our main character named Sparky, who can barely close his mouth and is somehow able to form consonants, and his father named....uh....uh....it's never revealed what his name is. Just give him whatever name you want. For no reason at all, Sparky drives ahead of his father when he sees a pothole that some how launches him 20 feet into the air and he lands without turning into scrap metal. Because cars can totally do that. Sparky's dad stop his son and chastises him. He tells him to stop acting reckless and get behind him and drive like a normal car. Sparky declares that's boring. No doubt this will be the same rebuttal he uses when a girl wants to have sex with him.

Girl car: Sparky, get behind me and ride me like a normal car.
Sparky: BORING!

Sparky proclaims he is not a baby (despite his father never saying he was) and begins to sing. Thankfully, his father interrupts and spares us the agony of a song in a kid's film. Sparky tells his father he doesn't like to be told what to do and wants to take as many risks in life as possible by using the road as a metaphor. He has obviously been brainwashed by the stupidity-inducing battle-cry known as YOLO. His dad objects and says he needs to set limits. However, Sparky says he hates limits and especially speed limits. He then proceeds to drive down the road like a maniac with his dad giving chase. We also learn Sparky's full name is Sparky Car. Really? That's the best you could come up with. It's like being named Bob Human or Spike Dog or Yogi Bear. Also, you got to love this unengaging animation. The whole background just looks like a sloppily-painted backdrop with nothing moving. To make it worse, the background is a desert which just makes even more lifeless. This movie was by no doubt made by some hack who has never seen a child.

"Kids love cacti, don't they?"

Also, this chase scene goes on for 1 minute and 47 seconds. Yes, I counted. I wouldn't mind so much if it was entertaining. Instead, we have to watch Sparky literally do backflips off of ramps made of dirt that conveniently happen to be lying around. How the hell is any of this possible? How can a car do these stunts? Who built these ramps? Why did they build these ramps? Also, where are the humans? We see birds but not humans. Did Skynet take over the Earth and wiped out John Connor's resistance? All these questions will go unanswered. Finally, a cop car pulls them over and gives Sparky a warning while his father receives a ticket for something that was entirely his idiot son's fault. You will notice how the cop car has a robotic arm coming out of wherever. I guess Skynet really did take over. Sparky's father tells him he will be paying for the ticket. Sparky refuses and says he will only pay half. Dad agrees. Wow, way to compromise, Dad, instead of standing your ground like most parents would. Here's how it should have played out:

Sparky's father: You are paying for this speeding ticket.
Sparky: Fuck that shit, I do what I want.
(Cut to Sparky in a demolition derby crying in pain.)

Sparky suggests moving somewhere where there are no police. It's at this point where you really start to hope Sparky gets a trip to the crusher. Soon after, Sparky and Dad go to a gravestone. One that belongs to their cousin named Piston. It's revealed that Piston was killed several years ago and his body was never found. That's right. The film is referencing the gruesome death and disappearance of a family member. Even Disney films aren't this sick. All that was found of his was a hub cap, which they didn't bury. They just leave it on the ground next to his grave. I think that's what I will do when a family member dies. Leave their rotting corpse next to their gravestone for everybody to see. We also learn that Piston might have been saved if his girlfriend Diesel had reported it. And then Dad just says it's time to go home because it's late despite being broad daylight out. So where exactly were they driving to at the beginning of the film? Oh well, who cares?

We finally get a break from the barren desert and cut to a gas station (with the BP logo) where are other characters are. Which also happens to be at the desert. Get used to staring at this, folks. This is the film's setting. Then we get this confusing line from Dad: Dad: Good morning. Good morning? You just said it was almost nighttime and now your saying it's morning. How does that work? Were you driving all night? Considering how long and boring this desert is, that's not surprising. Anyway, we meet the remainder of the cast: Gracie, Sparky's younger sister who laughs at anything even if it's not meant to be funny. Nobert, a fuel dispenser with only one hose. Julia, a whatever whose voice is so creepy and devoid of emotion that she sounds suicidal. Also, she is reading a book. How and why? Finally, there is Speedy, a pink female car who is not only the idiot "comic relief" of this movie, but also has the most annoying voices I have ever heard in my life. I mean it. Just imagine Sparky's voice times 1,000. It's so grating and so ear-piercing that it will make you want to circumcise yourself with a weed wacker. By the way, how exactly do cars reproduce? They have robot arms so that must mean that they have robot penises and vaginas. Though I think the end result would be Dubstep rather than a car offspring. Anyway, Dad talks to Norbert about how Sparky is becoming mature and will one day be running the gas station. Yeah, every kid's dream. Kids these days don't want to become doctors or scientists or teachers. They want to run gas stations. After that depressing dose of a child's future, Dad tells Sparky it's time for a car wash. Sparky objects and Dad rams into him. As a response, Sparky says the most awkward and bizarre line in the film.

Sparky: Child abuse!

I'm not kidding. This children's film actually says "child abuse." I'm awaiting the sequel where Speedy accuses Sparky of statutory rape. Ultimately, Sparky does give in and takes a car wash. While that is going on, we finally get our introduction to the villain of the film, Diesel. We can tell she is a villain because of the score that was probably used in a Superman serial from the 40's whenever a bad guy showed up and she smokes a cigarette. As we all know, only evil people smoke cigarettes. By the way, how can there be cigarettes if cars don't have lungs? We also never see her actually smoke the cigarette. She just holds it with her windshield wiper in every single shot she is in. Does the director really think that his audience is so stupid that they won't be able to tell how a character is an antagonist or not. Again, cigarette=evil. So how does our villain make her first appearance. Maybe she makes an ominous threat to the characters or have monolouge explaining her dark backstory or maybe she just makes a dumb witty remark to Dad, laughs sinsterly, and leaves. That was so pointless. How can you make such a meaningless and senseless introduction to the villain? Also, here is her "evil" line.

Diesel: You have to live dangerously or die trying.

What does that even mean? Is she saying we need to be reckless or die being reckless. Aren't you already being reckless if you die doing something dangerous? You could spend years trying to figure out what this line means and not get anywhere. Anyway, Dad and Norbert seem to forget about that pointless scene and go back to talk about Sparky, then Speedy interrupts and just says a bunch of stupid crap. In fact, here is some of her dialogue:

"Who you callin' fool?"
"CALM DOOOOOOWWNN!"
"THIS PLACE IS SO STRESSFUUUULL!"
"I SAID I WAS SORRY!"
"AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH"
"WHAT? WHAT?!"
"DON'T I LOOK OKAY"

What's that feeling come from my ears? Oh it's just blood. Thank you, Speedy. My ears are bleeding.

In case this movie wasn't padded enough. We get a another boring scene with a customer. It starts with Norbert hearing a woman moaning off-screen and he gives a horrified facial expression. But it sadly isn't porn to interrupt the movie but a hummer out of gas. God knows that watching porn would be more entertaining than watching this film. The hummer says she was ambushed by some small robots named Gas Leeches, who of course siphoned her gas. We also learn that cars die without gas even though in real life cars die from a dead battery. Speedy then wants to wash the hummer's windshield. She objects but Speedy insists. The hummer could drive away at any time. She has gas now but didn't pay for it. Speedy proceeds to wash her windshield with oil and nobody notices this until 30 seconds after. Now it seems that putting oil on her windshield blinded the hummer even though her head lights are her eyes. The hummer then drives around in circles while Speedy repeatedly yells, "CALM DOOOOOOOWWWWNNN!" This scene goes on for almost 2 minutes. That's right. Almost 2 minutes of a car driving in circles. It's not funny and it was never funny to begin with. How is this entertaining? Eventually, the hummer leaves and makes the last 3 minutes of this movie entirely pointless.

In case you forgot, Sparky is still in this thing and finishes his car wash. When we see Sparky in the next shot, Diesel pops out of nowhere and is waiting for him. Where did she come from? She wasn't in any previous shot and we saw her leave but we never saw her come back. She tells Sparky to go to an auto-shop where the second best scene in the movie happens: Sparky is put in agonizing pain when he gets his "ride tricked." I promise that the very best scene will be coming. The next day, Sparky returns to the gas station new and improved. Sparky: I feel like an idiot. That's because you are an idiot. Dad once again lectures Sparky and tells him how scared he is for him because his recklessness will lead to trouble one day. Sparky then spouts off his "finding his own road" bullcrap while crying oil. Cars have genitalia, lungs, and now tear ducts. Dad tells Sparky to just be careful and grounds him.

Diesel once again randomly appears without anyone noticing her and is accompanied by that not-so-subtle music. Why don't they just put the Imperial March in there instead so this atom bomb of unsubtlety will be complete? She talks to Sparky again and tells him about a movie playing at the drive-in called Hot-Rod Heaven which sounds like the title to a porno. She says the movie has lots of cool explosions and crashes. And now I present the 3 Reasons Why Sparky Is A Moron:

1) He doesn't get mad at Diesel for tricking him and causing him pain.
2) He goes to the drive-in with Speedy and falls for the same crap that Diesel pulled on him last time. 3) He is going to see a Michael Bay film.

Later that night, Sparky and Speedy to go the drive-in. If you want me to paint you a picture of how amazing this drive-in looks, here it goes: Speedy clearly has a bucket of popcorn and a drink but there is no concession stand in sight. And cars apparently now have digestive systems and bladders. But the drive-in's crowning achievement is that there is no projector and yet there is a movie projecting onto the screen. Skynet's fields of expertise hold no bounds. While the movie is playing Sparky falls asleep and the Gas Leechers that they talked about earlier arrive and steal there gas. Sparky tries to catch them but runs out of gas while Speedy stares at the screen like the moron she is. Wait, they said cars die without gas. Sparky has no gas so how is he still alive? Anyway, Sparky yells for help and by "yells" I mean uses his indoor voice.

"In the desert, no one can hear you bitch."

The follow morning, Sparky is towed in by the same cop from the beginning of the film. We never see Speedy get towed and she somehow got back to gas station even though all her gas was siphoned, too. Dad finds out about Sparky's late-night trip and tells his son to ignore him since he doesn't listen to anything he says. Sparky, being the irresponsible dumbass that he is, he needs to stay out of his life and continues to use that "finding my own road" bullcrap. First of all, what do you mean by your "own road." There is only one road in this movie because the movie is very cheap. Second of all, your father is trying to teach you how to be responsible and you just throw it all back in his face, you disobedient twat. There is nobody to blame but you. For the third time in a row, Diesel pops up out of nowhere with nobody noticing. Once again, Sparky does not berate Diesel for getting him trouble again and continues to listen to her. Sparky tells her (while looking stoned as hell) he hates being treated like a baby. Then don't act like one, you stupid boy. Sparky recalls seeing a place called the 'Bad Lands' in the movie he saw at the drive-in. It's an area of the desert that is nothing but wide-open space.

Right now would be a good point to bring up the awful cinematography of this movie. When two characters are talking, the camera will position itself above them so we can't see their faces. I know the animation is bad but we at least have to see the character's faces so we can connect with them. Also, during this scene when Diesel points out some mountains and a cactus patch, the movie still thinks its audience is brainless and won't know what they are talking about unless it's shown to them. These shots also last for less than 2 seconds. Dad reveals he often visited the bad lands when he was younger and tells Sparky it's not safe there anymore. We'll get back to that later. Nobert tells Sparky not to listen to Diesel and Diesel sets his gas hose on fire with her cigarette, knocking him out. This was also really stupid because she could have blown up the entire gas station and killed them all. Though on second thought, that maybe a good idea. Diesel convinces Sparky to go to the bad lands because a championship race is held there every year and he might have a chance at setting a speed record. Why would a championship race be held in the middle of nowhere? Sparky does this and ignores the fact that she incapacitated one of his friends.Speedy tags along with him because she is an incompetent dumbass who gives a customer a flat tire and then changes it with a tire that is the wrong size.

Sparky and Speedy eventually make it to the bad lands and do find that it really is wide-open space. It's weird because Dad also said the bad lands were "treacherous." There is nothing threatening here. It's about as harmless as taking the DVD out of the tray and smashing it to pieces. Anyway, Sparky and Speedy drive as fast as they can and giggle about nothing. This scene also brings up another criticism. During this scene, two shots of them driving together are reused 3 times. Earlier on in the movie, there was a scene of Norbert shaking his head. That scene was reused about 4 or 5 times. It really just goes to show how little the people behind this movie care about the quality of their product and are just hoping that unsuspecting grandparents will mistakes this for Pixar's Cars when their grandchildren ask for that movie for Christmas. So after playing around, Sparky and Speedy come across the champion's cup and Sparky can win it if he breaks the speed record. Now let's pick this scene apart.
1) Why is there a trophie lying out in the middle of nowhere?
2) Why doesn't Sparky just take the trophie? It's not like anybody is going to miss it. If they did, then again, why the hell is it just sitting out in the desert?
3) So what if Sparky breaks the speed record. Nobody is there to record or witness it other than Speedy. If they tell anybody, they will just assume that they're lying.
4) Why is Sparky starting at the finish line?

Anyway, Sparky goes for the record while Speedy just laughs like the dolt that she is for no reason. However, Sparky becomes exhausted quickly and gives up. Sparky then feels pain from the race. So let's recap: Cars now have arms, penises, vaginas, testicles, ovaries, digestive systems, bladders, and nerves to feel pain. The biology of this movie really freaking astounds me. Anyway, the two see a flashing light in the distance. Initially, they ignore it and have another race by reusing previous animation shots. Speedy almost flips over and Sparky becomes worried, saying that there are consequences for their actions if they are not careful. When did Sparky grow a conscience? This character development comes right out of nowhere. But I guess the director thought that the scene of the hummer driving in circles for 2 minutes was more important. Good to know he has his damn priorities straight.

Then the screen cuts to black with a gunshot. Why?

It cuts to Dad waking Norbert up and noticing Sparky is gone. Meanwhile, Sparky and Speedy see the flashing light again and go over to investigate. They find out that Diesel was using it to get their attention. She tells them her engine overheated and they agree to push her back. But it was all just a trick as Diesel puts boots on both of them. Sparky FINALLY realizes Diesel is up to no good. Diesel calls for her henchman named Igor, who for some reason has a giant blade on his back. Igor release the Gas Leeches and steal Sparky and Speedy's gas. Not sure what the point is for that seeing as how they have boots on and can't leave. Then we get the very best moment of the film:

Diesel orders Igor to kill Speedy first and he begins to chop her to pieces while she screams in agony.

This is such a wonderful sight. Diesel tells Sparky he should be happy he is going to die because the world is cruel, painful, dark, and can't create a write clever enough to write a compelling motivation. If she really believes this, then why doesn't she kill herself? Sparky replies that the world is a fine place and worth fighting for. I agree with the second part. Diesel then reveals that it was her who killed Sparky's cousin Piston. Yeah, I know, what a weak twist. She tells him she will sell their bodies for scrap like with Piston. Now it's time to make you more angry. Why did Diesel send Sparky to the auto shop and the drive-in? In fact, she sent the Gas Leeches to the drive-in that night. Why didn't she just kill him there? What was the point of all that? Why couldn't she tell Sparky to go to the bad lands in the first scene they had together? It's not like she needed to do that to gain his trust. He already knew her. So the previous 25 minutes of the film served no purpose. It was just wasting time. Which is the only thing this movie is good at.

Diesel tells Igor to kill Sparky so they can leave. Sparky takes the whole being murdered violently thing pretty well. He's not screaming for help or trying anything to escape. However, Igor becomes diagnosed with a very popular villain cliche: "The bad guy, having finally gotten the good guy into his clutches, will usually spend a few meglomaniac minutes gloating over his victory and his opponent's downfall. This increment of time will prove just enough to allow the good guy to figure a way out of his predicament, or just long enough to allow a rescue attempt." Diesel holds Sparky down so Igor can chop him. Just when you think all hope is thankfully lost for our hero, the cop car from earlier shows up WITH A GIANT MISSILE ATTACHED TO HIS DOOR. Okay, I have to admit, that kicks ass. He launches the missile at Diesel and instead blowing her up (which would have made this scene more kick-ass), it just knocks her off of Sparky. Lame. So Dad, Norbert, and Gracie arrive and Sparky tells Dad that Diesel killed Piston. Dad reveals he knew it all along. Then why didn't you tell anybody? If this movie wasn't more os a letdown, it turns out Speedy survived. You are now about to put your fist through your monitor.

The cop car gives Diesel a ticket for driving without a license and lets the whole murder thing slide. Sparky apologizes to Dad and learns that rules are important and he will never drive fast again. What about not getting yourself killed? Dad reveals that many years ago he won the champion's cup. Or he probably just stole the one already in the desert, but whatever. Dad says that he knows Sparky will grow up to be very responsible. So our film ends with Sparky, Dad, and Gracie racing back to the highway. We also learn that the writer and director Michael Schelp animated this movie by himself. No surprise there. We also find out that his family voiced 80% of the characters in this movie. Way to be cheap, asshole.

This movie is horrendously bad. It's not even one of those so-bad-it's-good films. Everybody is either an idiot or annoying (in some cases both). The animation is boring to look at. There is no sense of logic anywhere. It's a cheap, cheap movie that rejects creativity and effort in favor of padding out a story and trying to cash in on a more famous film. If you have the opportunity to pass this up, do so and never look back for all eternity.

Thanks for reading my first review. There's more to come soon.

Hello and welcome to my new blog Back To The Drawing Board. I have always been a fan of animation. I love its ability to take its audience to wonderful and sometimes bizarre worlds and introduce us to engaging and charmistic characters. However, that doesn't mean their hasn't been some truly awful animations. In this blog, I will be reviewing and disecting horrible cartoons and giving them the treatment they deserve. Even though I might lose my mind to watching these abominable pieces of fiction, at least I will teach people how not to craft a story. Let's get started.